Since finding out we are pregnant with baby #2, I've been so excited to meet this little one! With Ela, I was nervous and a little scared of being a mom. Such a big responsibility! Dont get me wrong, I was also very excited. As soon as I met Ela, all the nervous feelings vanished and I knew we were soul mates. Since I know that yes, a new baby is a big job but thank goodness God gives us mama's the gift to do it and hence, why I am just mostly excited this time around. Expect for one thing. And I am trying to get over it but to be honest, I am still struggling with all my feelings and emotions.
When I found out I was pregnant with Ela, I knew I wanted a natural beautiful birth. I found a wonderful doula, I already loved my OB and was all prepped and ready for Ela's fabulous entry into the world. We packed a birthing bag, including a birthing ball, soothing music, massage oils, snacks, water and several other things I cant remember now. BUT I was almost 42 weeks and induction was a necessary evil. I was in a lot of pain too, it felt like Ela was head butting me so hard it took my breath away and brought tears to my eyes. Thinking back, I think she was trying to get in position and move down. We started the induction process and it just didnt work. My body didnt respond well to the drugs. The next night I went into labor on my own. Now fast forward two days later Ela was a no show and I was not progressing anywhere. So on November 3rd, 2010 we had a c-section and the most beautiful little 10'3 lbs baby entered this world. At the time, it didnt matter how Ela got here, she was here. We did what we had to and even my doula was supportive of the c-section at that point. I know we made the right decision regarding Ela, there was no alternative. I tried every way possible to get that baby out naturally but it just wasnt going to happen. Poor baby was stuck! I still get emotional thinking about the whole process and just the exhaustion, joy and pure love that is all mixed together. I cant wait to love on this new little one as well! But I have really been struggling with accepting the fact that I have to have a c-section with baby #2.
One of my first questions to my OB after Ela's birth was, do I always have to have a C-Section for the next one? My OB is supportive of VBACs (vaginal birth after C-section), this was one of my questions to her from day one. But in my case, since I did not progress past 3 cn and Ela was clearly stuck (she had two cones on her head from trying to move down) it is most likely a structural issue with me. That is hard to swallow all of a sudden. I keep reading about these beautiful home births and I really want to experience that. I would never risk a home birth after my experience with Ela's birth but the idea sounds so natural and beautiful. I honestly dont even want to risk trying again naturally. Ela was in the NICU for over 6-hours with breathing problems and stuff in her lungs. I didn't even get to hold for that long because of it. I just got to look at her for five minutes before they took her away. This time, it makes sense to just know what your working with and be prepared. I can have as many c-sections as I want, so it doesnt limit the number of kids we want.
My big question to myself is is birth really just an entry into this world or is it more? I am not going to try a BVAC because in my opinion, the risks outweigh the benefits. I need to accept that this is how my baby will enter the world (unless God gives me a miracle and I go into labor and jump to 10 cn and pop out a baby!) . In the end, I know I love Ela just as much as if I had been able to have her naturally. And I will love this baby just as much too.So yes, to me, birth is just the entry into the world. The rest is a beautiful wonderful thing called family.