This morning when I got up I told myself not to stand on that scale. I knew it was a bad idea. Even so, I stepped onto the demon scale. Sure enough, it hadnt budged. I wanted to cry. I have been eating so much less, walking and running two miles every day and doing half an hour of yoga. Why are the pounds not coming off? I wanted to tell myself oh I am building muscle and muscle weighs more than fat but the scale should still be moving. Secretly, even though I pretended to be upset, I was so happy when Ela pulled the power button off the scale the other day. No more knowing what I weighed. I was so consumed with knowing that I figured out a way to power it on. Maybe being in a family that kept a TV for years that required turning on with a fork has made me thrifty or resourceful.
I am back to my pre-Ela weight but my body is not the same. Nothing is where it used to be and I dont feel nearly as fit as I used to. My other fear, other than maybe certain body parts will never bounce back, is the stretch marks. They are so bad. I walk past the bikinis that are now out and just get depressed. I may be destined for a life of one pieces. My derm said there is nothing she can do for them. It is what it is. As I am sinking into a depressed state and start packing up my bikinis, Ela comes running in with her adorable toddler run. She almost tips over she is so excited to get to me. I realize I have a pretty darn good reason for why I am the way I am. A few too many apple fritters when I was preggo and a 10 lbs baby got me here. The baby part, I am beyond okay with. The apple fritter part, well, I have adopted a new healthy life style and next time around, they wont be an issue.
Maybe through all of this, God is teaching me that my outward appearance has always meant too much to me. That while I should take care of myself, I shouldnt obsess over it to the point of potently ruining my day. So I hear you God. I am going to stop freaking out about what the scale says and focus on how I feel. And I will rock that one piece swim suit if my stretch marks never go away. I will be proud of why I have them and know that no matter what, I was blessed with the most precious baby girl ever and she was worth everything my body has gone through.